Times are tough right now. Money is tight, the economy is in the shitter, and yet the price of Ugg boots cruelly continues to rise, forcing today’s man to be more frugal with their discretionary spending. When it comes to the weekend’s fights, this often means ordering them with a group of friends to split the cost among many. Not everybody has friends however, or at least not friends that aren’t tightwads, which often leaves visiting the local bar that’s getting the UFC come fight night as the only option. While it is cheaper than paying $655 bucks (at least, for those who can control themselves at a bar, that is) it is not an avenue without peril, as any visit to watch MMA among the masses opens the door for any of these enjoyable characters, who can quickly make you wish you could actually hear Goldberg’s play-by-play.
The Conscientious Objector
Who They Are: People who are above the kind of low-brow, degrading entertainment that this bloodbath of a “sport” provides.
What They’re Saying: “I just prefer sports where the object isn’t to kill your opponent, personally.”
Why They’re the Worst: The Conscientious Objector isn’t out at the bar to do something as disgusting as drinking their liver into oblivion while watching two guys try to choke each other unconscious. Instead, he’s really just looking to focus on the first half, and yell at you for showing the initiative to be comprehensive in your vices. The Conscientious Objector is often a boxing fan, who is keen on telling you how much the sport of MMA pales in comparison to the sweet science, which is in turn a beautiful thing to behold, as opposed to, you know, two guys just bashing each other in the face like this ultimate cage fighting business.
The Next Royce Gracie
Who They Are: A guy that trains and has fought, and as such deserves to be the last word on everything related to fighting technique.
What They’re Saying: “You see, what he’s doing wrong there is…”
Why They’re the Worst: There’s something about taking a few jiu jitsu or muai thai classes that suddenly makes it absolutely necessary for some people to never shut the fuck up about what’s happening on screen. Whether it’s the actual flaws in Houston Alexander’s ground work to the clearly obvious flaws in Anderson Silva’s striking which he can’t believe nobody else has been able to spot, you can be sure that The Next Royce Gracie will spend the entire night telling you all about it. They’ve learned the proper way to pass a guard, and you are damn sure going to hear about it every single time the fight goes to the ground. For a non-bar example, ask yourselves how many times you heard Goldberg use the word teep after he started work with Mark Dellagrotte.
The Next Kimbo Slice
Who They Are: The baddest motherfucker on the planet with a black belt in the only true martial art – street fighting.
What They’re Saying: “I could kick Anderson Silva’s ass if it weren’t for all those pussy-ass rules they got.”
Why They’re the Worst: You may enjoy watching fighting, but have you ever been in a fight? No? Well the Next Kimbo Slice has, and he fucked the other guys up. Or if he hasn’t, he totally would beat the shit out of people all the time if he didn’t want to go to jail for accidentally ending a life, because he just can not contain the levels of killatude contained in his fists. Technically he hasn’t ever taken a “class” or learned any “technique” which might teach him how to attack somebody without “getting punched in the face over and over,” but he’s still confident that he can kick your ass, and the ass of everyone else at the bar. Don’t believe him? Just ask him (Editor’s Note: You do not need to ask, he’s going to tell you either way) and spend the next two fights hearing about how the pussies on the TV wouldn’t have shit on him if Dana wasn’t too scared to offer a contract to an animal like him.
Who They Are: The guy who loves nothing more than two dudes throwing haymakers, because technique is “for bitches,” and thinks that any fight that doesn’t end in a knockout is boring. Sadly, given the constant talk of “putting on a good show for the fans,” this is apparently your average MMA fan.
What They’re Saying: “Stand ‘em up, ref.”
Why They’re the Worst: For starters, they are single handedly the people keeping skulls-and-sparkles clothing lines in business, which alone is enough to draw the ire of anybody with a sense of taste. They’re also the guys who you can be sure any story on the sport will be focused on when written by a reporter with a deadline to meet and papers to move. Once the fights are underway, The Roman will be sure to loudly shout slurred commands at the little men on the TV, there to bash each other in the face for his entertainment, and will be more than willing to let everyone know when they are failing to do so to his satisfaction. In short, The Roman is the second most annoying guy in the whole damn bar.
The Guy Who Ordered UFC 1
Who They Are: The “hardcore” fans of the sport, and owners of a truly intense hatred for all Romans. As somebody who has watched the sport longer than you have they are, by default, superior to you.
What They’re Saying: “Whatever, TUF noob.”
Why They’re the Worst: Amazingly enough, it only takes one Guy Who Ordered UFC 1 to out-annoying the entire rest of the bar, by drowning you in a never-ending sea of what you just finished reading for three hours straight. The Guy Who Ordered UFC 1 will talk your ears off about fighters not getting paid enough one minute, then complain about all the new fans being brought in who are terrible for the sport the next, skipping the part where more fans means more money in the sport for the fighters to get a piece of. The Guy Who Ordered UFC 1 is the guy who read The Lord of the Rings books before they were movies and hates all the bandwagon fans, upset that what used to make him a beautiful unique snowflake has become popular and turned him into a standard, everybody’s-seen-one snow dong.