Please welcome our guest writer today, the good Reverend James Adams, of the Church of New Redeeming Light.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
We stand on the brink of a great precipice. Our great country, nay all of mankind, are more prepared than ever to live lives of fulfillment and joy.
But, there are those among us who seek to disrupt this Utopia. People like British author J.R.R. Rowling, and his books of evil and sorcery which are prevalent among the ignorant youths of our society. These books are pure, concentrated evil, in paperback form. Only by understanding this evil, and rallying against it, can our world be saved. With that, I present to you 13 indisputable facts, which we will refer to as:
While there are in fact countless points which can be made against this series of “novels,” I have chosen to whittle my list down to the 13 most egregious evils, the 13 listed below. “Why 13?” you might ask. Insolent as it is of you to question my judgment, I’ll tell you. 13 is a known evil number, and with this article I hope to turn their own evil against them.
Also, I have 13 cats who I love. Consider it a tribute.
Does Tolerance Mean Nothing?
When Children read stories like these, they instantly begin to relate with the characters, to empathize with the characters, to want be like the characters. So, what message is Mr. Rowling sending when he makes one of the main characters an awful bigot?
That’s right, the character known as Draco Malfoy, one of the most vital characters in the story, is no more than a bigot and a spoiled little shit. Often times he can be found insulting those who are worse off than he, as well as insulting “mudbloods,” or people who are not born of magical parents.
Why, the children who are reading these books also are not magical. What can they do while they are still merely “muggles” (a derogatory word for non-magical, god-loving people) without a shred of magical power? You see, these books, using this bigotry, tell the kids they will not be equals with their idol Malfoy until they too take up the dark art of magic.
All Bow to the King?
Get this — the author behind this whole mess isn’t from America.
That’s right, not only are our children being corrupted, its being done by a lousy foreigner. From GREAT BRITAIN. Now, I could be wrong, but I don’t think we fought for and won our Independence just for shits and giggles. We did it so we didn’t have to listen to what goofy, rotten-toothed limeys have to say any more.
So, knowing this, why do we still allow their inferior products to come into our great lands, corrupting our children’s minds with anti-Jesus propaganda? I see no need for Britain, and no need for these books.
If Britain wants to peddle their goods in our land, like some kind of ally, maybe they should consider showing a little comradery with the United States.
When’s the last time they helped us out with anything at all? Exactly, so why are we helping their satanic authors to earn a living?
Well He Didn’t Use a Spell To Get These Ideas
I’m sure you’ve all heard the story how Mr. Rowling came up with this idea while working as a bartender, and scribbled notes down on the bottom of coasters. What I’m sure you haven’t heard of is the man who these ideas really came from.
That man was a little known magician and illusionist from the early 1900’s. His Name?
Now, you have probably never heard of this man, his work did not garner much acclaim, however he is single handedly responsible for coining a magic phrase called “Abra Kadabra.” Fortunately Mr. Houdini was not actually in a pact with Satan, and as such, this phrase holds no evil power. Despite this however, Rowling still chose to steal this line and claim it as his own. You see, “Abra Kadabra” is also the phrase used to cast the most powerful spell in Rowling’s world, a spell which kills instantly.
So could it be a coincidence that this phrase is stolen letter-for-letter from the dead magician? Yes. Is it? Not likely. Mr. Rowling is a liar and a thief.
Yeah, Maybe If It Were Hogwarts School of Cleaning and Cake-Baking
Perhaps one of the more laughable aspects of these novels is the portrayal of female characters.
More specifically, the laughable portrayal of female characters as equals to their male counterparts.
Please, this is not the kind of drivel that we need infecting the minds of our impressionable young children. These ideas, once ingrained, are very difficult to get rid of, and can only lead to confusion later in life when the children realize that the role of the woman is to assist the man in whatever way necessary.
Any sane adult knows that whether it be cooking, cleaning, or spitting out babies, a woman’s job is to satisfy her man. Period. End of discussion.
Let’s not give our young ladies any delusions of grandeur with ideas like equality. There is a reason there’s never been a female president.
Are There No Accountants In The Wizarding World?
What type of a message are we giving to our children when we tell them all about Harry and his pal’s time spent in divination and potion classes, but never any time spent in chemistry or calculus?
Believe it or not, our children will not get to live in a world of wizards and witches. They will have to be in this place we call the real world, and in the real world, management wants people with real intelligence. They don’t want some idiot in a cloak with a stick, who thinks 3 * 3 = 47.
Also I feel I should note that regardless of the immorality of it, this is just poor story telling. How will the children know they are not being ripped off when they buy their books without at least some rudimentary mathematical skills? Piss poor Mr. Rowling, piss poor.
Are We Honestly Trying To Say Big People Are To Be Trusted
Throughout the series of Harry Potter stories, Harry and his gang of sinners often seek aid from a large oaf by the name of Hagrid. Hagrid is a half-breed, a cross between a Giant and a human. This sends a dangerous message to our children, that being that large people are honest people.
Obviously, that is not the case.
Large people are not really people at all. Anybody over the height of 6′ is a freak and probably spends a majority of their time prowling the streets looking for children to kidnap and/or sell crack to.
By teaching our children at this impressionable age that tall people not only are accepted members of our society, but also are fit to breed with, we risk setting a dangerous precedent which could ultimately lead to these tall people being seen as on the same plane as you or I.
Do you want to see that happen? I sure don’t.
Harry’s Not As Think As You Drunk He Is
Surely underage drinking in America was never a problem until these past few years. Countless experts have postulated on what is to blame for this sudden rise over the past decade.
The Answer? Harry Potter, of course.
How can the young readers come away with any impression other than “Drinking is the coolest!” after reading these stories? At every turn, the main characters can be seen drinking “Butterbeer.”
Not only is this advocating underage drinking, it is helping to contribute to the plague of fatness that the evil fast-food restaurants have sought to attack us with. The blatant use of this tool as means for the characters to relax and have a good time is an utterly irresponsible display by Mr. Rowling, though I really have come to expect as much from this Satan-worshipping fiend.
Like, Whoa Harry….Whoa
You would think that it would be enough for Mr. Rowling’s evil mind to know he is turning our youth’s into alcoholic devil-worshippers, but alas it is not enough to sate his evil heart.
He must also attempt to make cool the concept of smoking. And, not just smoking, but smoking weed.
Throughout these books the characters of Merry and Pippin can be found smoking “pipeweed.”
To say that this is a thinly veiled allusion to smoking marijuana is an understatement. It is common knowledge that Satan himself planted the first marijuana plant, and this is just another one of Mr. Rowling’s attempts to turn your children into Jesus hating blood-drinkers.
They’re Teenagers, You Perv
The last thing any parent wants to think of is the concept of your child becoming sexually active as they grow older. Unfortunately, that is no longer an option for many, as the concept of perpetual virginity is being erased by these books.
In the latest installment of the series, Ron and his sister Ginny are often said to be snogging, even in public, with their respective partners.
For those of you who don’t know what snogging is, it is a British word which represents an elaborate form of intercourse involving whips, batteries, cross-dressing, and occasionally a human-sized hamster ball.
Now, any sane person knows that the act of sexual intercourse is dirty, and should never be partaken in by anyone. Sadly, due to the corruption of these books, a world where nobody has sex seems like it will never come to be. Worse, not only will children who read these books one day grow up to be sexually active adults, some may even partake in the lowest form of intercourse — snogging.
“When I Move Here, The Queen Will Take Me”
The above is an exact quote from the character of Ron Weasley, expressing that he will now commit an act which will lead to the queen (a term for a homosexual man) taking (a term for having sex with) him, taken from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
Later in the series, in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Gilderoy Lockhart, a male teacher, succeeds in reaching out and firmly grasping Ron’s “wand,” an obvious euphemism for his genitals.
This institution of a gay character as Harry’s best friend is obviously an attempt by Mr. Rowling to turn your child into a gay.
From this I can only conclude that he too is a gay, and is trying to seduce our children. Clearly his above pictured wife is a cover-up marriage, and she is likely a lesbian.
I am okay with lesbians.
EDIT: I have faced much criticism for my claims that Mr. Rowling is out to raise an army of gays, and yet where are the jeers now in light of the recent announcement that none other than Hogwarts Headmaster Albert Dumbledore is a gay?
What do you think was going on in all those closed-door “study sessions” with young Harry?
Whatchu Talkin’ ’bout Albus?
Children are not equal to adults. This is not something up for debate, rather a fact.
Why is it then that Mr. Rowling chooses to have the main character act with so much sass? Because he wants to corrupt your children so they join him in the eternal fires of hell.
Harry makes a habit of back-talking and acting up during class, failing to show proper respect for his superiors, for that is what they are, even if they are satanic conjurors.
Blatant disrespect is shown throughout the novel to Severus Snape, the most likable character among the evil God-haters in these novels, and this can only lead to impressionable youths thinking it is okay to talk back to adults. That can only lead to more children being beaten for their insolence, possibly to death should they be too far out of line, and all of those deaths shall rest squarely on Mr. Rowling’s shoulders.
Seriously, Witchcraft Is The Work Of The Devil
I cannot stress to you enough that NO magic is good magic.
Everyone who partakes in magic and similar tomfoolery is doing the work of the devil. THE DEVIL.
Mr. Rowling, in these books, seeks to make your children take up these evil arts so that they too will spend eternity in fire being tormented by Satan and his minions. While I cannot say why he seeks to do the Devil’s work, I would guess it was likely a trade off for the fame these novels have brought him. Also, I’m starting to think he’s a bit of a dick.
Please, help me get these books banned, or your children will not be permitted on the great journey to heaven!
So When Somebody Returns From The Dead, Kill Them Again?
I am both shocked and appalled that nobody else has made the following obvious conclusion.
VOLDEMORT IS JESUS!!!
That’s right. First he dies, then his followers are persecuted, and now he has risen from the dead to live again.
Now, having made this conclusion we are left with one glaring point: these books call Jesus evil, and then order our children to seek to find and kill him when he rises again.
This blatant hatred for all that is good and holy in this world is an attack on the very beliefs of the American people, that being that Jesus is our Lord and savior.
Every parent who buys these books is literally giving their children a means to learn hatred for our accepted savior. WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?!?!?
Having now read the above points you are obviously of the only sane opinion there is, that being that these books are pure evil and must be stopped and banned from our great land. Please sign the petition below and show your support.
Rev. James Adams
Reverend James Adams is founder and prophet of The Church of New Redeeming Light.