A Christmas Story (1983)
Ralphie just had to have that gun,
So his parents caved and got him one,
He ran straight outside,
Damn near shot out his eye,
Turns out rifles just aren’t that fun.
Oh lordy, what are we to do?
The pilot’s sick; co-pilot too,
Now this washed up clown,
Has to guide the plane down,
Picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue.
While I meld hair with beasts and take wing,
I’ve been wooing this pretty blue thing,
I finally lay ’er,
Combine at the hair,
Wait, have I been fucking everything?
Billy Madison (1995)
Billy had to go back to school,
To save Madison Inc. from that tool,
After all the pratfalls,
And Eric’s weird balls,
In the end it is Carl who’s most cool.
Boondock Saints (1999)
We’re Conner and Murphey MacMannus,
Found some guns, now we’re going bananas,
All the college kids know,
It’s one hell of a show,
Even though all the film critics pan us.
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Survivors stuck trapped in a mall,
With nobody to answer their call,
After quite the fuss,
They put saws on the bus,
In the end, all that helped them fuck-all.
Forrest Gump (1994)
All the other kids gave him his lumps,
His friend Jenny, he did finally hump,
Cross the country he ran,
And met back up with Dan,
His name? It was Forrest. Forrest Gump.
Friday the 13th (The Series)
Jason killed all the teens in this place,
So we fed him an axe to the face,
Will he come back to kill?
Spoiler Warning: he will,
Oh, and one of the times it’s in space.
Green Street Hooligans (2005)
Hooligans took a Yank as their friend,
Took him back after he’d lied to them,
But in the final clash,
Green Street got quite bashed,
Just like the Hammers in the Prem.
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
A group of nine should do the trick,
Four midgets and a wiz with a stick,
A pair of grown men,
Their little dwarf friend,
And an elf that looks quite like a chick.
The Matrix (1999)
Neo had a bad hacking habit,
Until he followed the white rabbit,
Now he can tell you,
That he just learned kung fu,
The good acting app? They didn’t grab it.
A journeyman boxer from Philly,
He won’t topple the champ, or will he?
No, he lost, with a catch,
“Ain’t gon’ be no rematch.”
A sequel to Rocky? Don’t be silly.
Snakes on a Plane (2006)
All the internet kids shouted out, “Yes!
This movie is surely the best!
There are snakes on the plane,
Man, that shit is insane!”
Too bad e-hits don’t equal success.
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)
Millions of fans do adore it,
Ask any and they will assure it,
Is simply the best,
Except for the next,
Then pretend there’s no story before it.
With anchor up and no turning back,
Leo got Kate to show off her rack,
Winslet, thanks for the skin,
But the best part was when,
Leo’s friend got whacked by the smoke stack.