Chapter One – Giants, Squirrels and Love in a Bathroom
Saturday came faster than Gabey ever could have imagined, and before he knew it he found himself walking through JFK, a colander full of knives in one hand, and a Captain Smilies Little Tykes Magic Kit (Ages 4 and up, not available in Canada) in the other. He felt like a bit of an ass with the crummy plastic rod that was inside, but frankly where the fuck was he supposed to get a real wand on that short of notice.
As he scanned the flight display in hopes of locating his terminal, Gabey simply could not see Flight 93/4 anywhere. Thinking quickly he flagged down a passing security guard. “Excuse me sir,” he offered politely. “Might you be able to tell me where I can find Flight 93/4?”
Looking thoroughly put off at being forced to stop and interact with someone, the guard glared at Gabey. “You think you’re funny kid?”
“Kid? I’m 47 years old. And I just want to know where my flight is.”
“Listen sport, there ain’t no Flight 93/4. Wait a minute, what do you have in that colander?”
“Umm… they’re for my asthma.”
“Oh, makes sense.” With that, the surly guard continued on his way.
Left to himself, and no better off, Gabey returned his gaze to the display, where he located a flight 934 to London. ‘Asshole was probably drunk when he wrote the letter and dragged the pen,’ he thought. Gabey was beginning to feel attending this school may not be such a great call, but then again it was a free plane ticket, even if it was to crummy old England.
The flight was non-eventful. The in flight movie starred Michelle Rodriguez as a tough-girl, and a baby cried for several hours. Gabey occupied himself thinking about all the painful spells he would learn to cast on people as part of his rise to tyranny.
As Gabey departed the plane he realized he had no fucking clue where to go from there.
“I have no fucking clue where to go from here,” he said as he elbowed his way down the aisle and off the plane. All his concern was soon put to rest however, when he spotted the large man-beast waiting for him at the end of the tunnel.
The man was huge, with a dirty, matted beard, and was clad in a fox-skin loincloth. In his giant hands was a sign which read “The Gabey Kotter.” On seeing Gabey,his face lit up, and he extended a meaty paw out for the shaking. “Greetin’s Gabey, name’s Ingrid.”
“Come again,” Gabey queried.
“Yeah, I know. It’s a woman’s name.”
“Catch a lot of shit for it?”
“Not really. You break a few necks and people stop with the name calling.”
Gabey began to give a small laugh, but upon seeing the man was not joking decided it best not to. Gabey made a mental note; when it came time to raise his army, this was the guy he wanted on his side.
“Well then,Gabey, if you’ll just follow me, I’ll be taking you to the Boarshead Express.”
“You know, I go by Gabe. Only my housemates call me Gabey.”
“What’s that Gabey?” The Giant’s neck gave a mighty crack as he turned to look back at Gabey.
“Never mind. So… do you work at the school?”
“Yeah, I do maintenance. You know, mowing lawns, caring for wild animals, killing rule-breakers. The usual.”
Outside the airport they came to a small piece-of-shit of a car, and Ingrid crammed himself into the driver’s side enthusiastically. Noting the front was entirely occupied by Ingrid’s girth, Gabey threw his things in the back seat and followed suit. Leaning forward, Gabey was about to ask how far the trip would be when Ingrid’s monstrous mitts clapped him on the ears, knocking him out cold.
Groggily Gabey came to, and found himself being violently shaken by Ingrid. Outside the car he could see an ornate station and a long brown train.
“’Bout time you woke up Gabey,” Ingrid huffed, dragging Gabey out of the car. “We’ve been here for 10 minutes already. Sorry about the whole knocking you out thing. Couldn’t let you know where this station is located.”
“Why couldn’t I know where the station is located?”
“Alright, you caught me,” Ingrid smirked, tossing Gabey’s belongings out before hopping back into the front seat. “Anyways, it’s been real. Might want to hurry, train’s leaving.”
Looking behind him Gabey saw the train was indeed in motion, and he scattered to pick up his splayed knives as Ingrid sped away. In a panic, Gabey grabbed the last knife and darted after the train. He made it to the edge of the platform just in time to hop into the doors of the last car.
The car was empty, save for a lone figure sleeping at the far end. With his crap in tow, Gabey walked down and sat in the seat across from the figure. With a discerning eye, Gabey looked him over. He was young, probably in his late teens, with a messy mop of orange hair. Beside him sat a pot with a hole in it, and a bag of butter knives. The kid was wearing some ratty chef’s robes, and had a sagging chef’s hat perched on his head.
Gabey rode in silence in the car for several minutes before boredom set in. With careful balance on the moving train he positioned himself to give the kid the tea-bagging of a lifetime, when the sleeping mass stirred.
Jarred by the unexpected presence of balls on his chin, the kid emitted a shrill shriek. Content with the results, Gabey sat down again. “Hey kid, the name’s –“
“Gabey Kotter,” the kid shrieked. “You’re Gabey Kotter. I’m… my name is… I’m… Beasley. I’m Don Beasley.”
“Nice to meat you kid, but if you don’t mind my asking, how do you know who I am?”
“Well, because you’re Gabey fucking Kotter, that’s why.”
It made sense to Gabey, so he left it at that.
“Listen up Donnie, I’m gonna be running shit around this place, and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll be getting on now, when the getting’s good. You dig?”
“Oh, yeah, I dig. I’m all about the gangsta shit.”
“Good. Now here’s the deal, I’ve got me a hunger. Something fierce. And this,” he grabbed the plastic wand from its box, “ain’t going to help me right about now.”
“Whoa,” Don gasped, “that’s a sweet wand. I just have this stick my mom broke off of a tree.” In his hand was a small gnarled twig, with what appeared to be fungus growing off one end.
“Are you shitting me?”
“I’m kind of poor. Oh, and I have this,” Don added sheepishly as he pulled a near dead squirrel out of his pot.
“Can we eat it?”
“What? No! If you want food you just press this button,” Don pointed at the large button next to him with a picture of a steak on it.
“Don’t give me sass, bitch,” Gabey spat, as he slammed the button with his fist.
“Sorry, sir,” Don offered, slinking back in his seat.
The food cart arrived promptly and Gabey ordered the whole spread. “I’m low right now,” he said to the hairy man pushing the cart. “My friend here’ll get me.”
“But I don’t have any money, I’m poor,” Don moaned.
“Well then you’ll have to pay him another way. Let’s go, to the bathroom with both of you.”
Don looked at Gabey pleadingly, but was met with cold resolve. Sobbing he followed the hairy man to the bathroom at the end of the car.
Content, Gabey sat back to enjoy his meal, but found his pleasure interrupted by the entrance of another teenager, this one a girl with long, wild, brown hair.
“What the fuck do you want?” Gabey asked, not looking up from the turkey sandwich in his hands.
“Are you Ga-“
“I said, ‘what the fuck do you want?’”
“My name’s Hermelanie,” she said cheerily. Gabey ate his sandwich. After several minutes of silence, she turned and left. Gabey listened to the sound of her sobbing as it retreated down the hall.
Gabey enjoyed his meal until he felt the tell-tale lurch of the train’s deceleration. Tossing the rest of the food out the window he walked back to the bathroom and pounded on the door. “We’re slowing down Don, might want to wrap it up in there.”