No Alliteration Thursday: Dear Nastia Liukin

Some family stuff has come up, and I’m going to be unable to do any new writing for the next few days, so I’m dusting off an oldie.

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DiggThisDear Nastia,

I am writing to you today to offer you my sincerest of congratulations. For you see, as an eligible gentleman, I entered this year’s Olympic Games looking for very little but perhaps a little entertainment. And yet, having watched your performances in both the team and individual competitions, I am proud to say you are a winner. A winner of what? Why the greatest prize in the world.

A marriage proposal.

Now, I know there are likely many reservations you are feeling about this no-doubt inspiring and flattering offer. Fortunately, I have taken the time to address these concerns for you so that you can see that this proposal is indeed all that it is cracked-up to be, and not one of those too-good-to-be-true scenarios one often imagines themselves to be in when proposed to be a gentleman of my caliber.

So… You watch gymnastics? Are you sure it’s a woman you’re looking to marry?

Indeed a fair point. One could argue that, appealing as it is to the feminine masses, gymnastics falls just barely in front of All-Nude, All-Male Wrestling on the list of heterosexual things to watch. And yet, when time came for NBC to broadcast your event, where was I? Right smack dab in front of the TV.

So why would a hetero-sexual man in his early twenties feel inclined to watch?

Was it the gyrating in spandex? Maybe for some creepers out there — well, a lot of creepers out there — but alas, in my case, no.

Was it the excellent work done by the NBC telecasters to paint a compelling story of the fierce rivalry with the Chinese team? No, though that did allow me to cheer more openly and be more invested emotionally in gymnastics than I ever would have reckoned I’d find myself.

So what then? Well, I really wanted to see somebody beat those “16-year-olds” from China, because as a camp counselor, there’s nothing I love more than the sight of a crying 12-year-old. It’s why I love the Little League World Series. Continue reading


MMA Monday: The 5 Worst People You’ll Find Watching the UFC at a Bar

Times are tough right now. Money is tight, the economy is in the shitter, and yet the price of Ugg boots cruelly continues to rise, forcing today’s man to be more frugal with their discretionary spending. When it comes to the weekend’s fights, this often means ordering them with a group of friends to split the cost among many. Not everybody has friends however, or at least not friends that aren’t tightwads, which often leaves visiting the local bar that’s getting the UFC come fight night as the only option. While it is cheaper than paying $655 bucks (at least, for those who can control themselves at a bar, that is) it is not an avenue without peril, as any visit to watch MMA among the masses opens the door for any of these enjoyable characters, who can quickly make you wish you could actually hear Goldberg’s play-by-play.

The Conscientious Objector
Who They Are:
People who are above the kind of low-brow, degrading entertainment that this bloodbath of a “sport” provides.

In all of five minutes of debate, O'Reilly managed to make Dana White look like a calm, level-headed man.

And don’t get them started on teleprompters.

What They’re Saying: “I just prefer sports where the object isn’t to kill your opponent, personally.”
Why They’re the Worst: The Conscientious Objector isn’t out at the bar to do something as disgusting as drinking their liver into oblivion while watching two guys try to choke each other unconscious. Instead, he’s really just looking to focus on the first half, and yell at you for showing the initiative to be comprehensive in your vices. The Conscientious Objector is often a boxing fan, who is keen on telling you how much the sport of MMA pales in comparison to the sweet science, which is in turn a beautiful thing to behold, as opposed to, you know, two guys just bashing each other in the face like this ultimate cage fighting business. Continue reading