MMA Monday: A Guided, Illustrated, Mildly Stupid Tour of UFC 2

Welcome back to tournament number two of the Ultimate Fighting Championships. If you’re just joining us for the first time, you missed out on a tall Dutchman abusing fat men, and a little Brazilian fellow choking the life out of a one-gloved boxer, a dude in a mankini and a fat-kicking Dutchman. For today’s tournament, things have been ramped right the hell up, with 16 men instead of 8, though you only get to watch 8 of the 15 fights anyways. Honestly, the early fights seem like they kind of sucked, and you can rest assured we’re in for clips of all the best preliminary assaults, so it’s kind of alright we’re jumping right to the final prelim. As always, to avoid any potential litigation, all pictures depicting fights on the card are care of my 6-year-old neighbor Timmy.

Leading the broadcast for UFC 2 is Brian Kilmeade, promoted from his position as post-fight interviewer, presumably because producers felt his performance really stuck out as the most superb at UFC 1, which is akin to being the member of a surgical team that was least drunk. Joining him is the somewhat-crazy Jim Brown, and the new grappling expert for the broadcast, Ben Perry. Gone from the booth are Bill Wallace, deemed too terrible at broadcasting, and Kathy Long, deemed too having a vagina.

The crew does a great job of continuing the sports drive to near-outlaw status by letting us know anything can happen tonight, including the loss of teeth, or eyes. The results of the first seven prelim fights are briefly given to us, and we learn, quite sadly, that Pat Smith’s victory has denied us of what would no doubt have been an epic battle between a Ninja and a Wizard.

Awesome.

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Wordy Wednesday: Choose Your Own Adventure – I’m a Mixed Martial Artist

Here’s a personal favorite from my old site, That Site with the Name. You know it’s old, because the idea of Cro Cop knocking anyone out now seems ludicrous. Sigh.

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The sport of Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) has been growing in popularity, particularly in the United States, at an extraordinary rate of late. Unfortunately, much of the sport-watching population is still somewhat uneducated about the sport, which they likely refer to as Ultimate Fighting, and just what it is that’s going on in that ring or octagon. We here at TsSwtN seek to educate the masses on all forms of sporting, even those that haven’t quite made it to the mainstream yet, and so, in an effort to educate, we came to an agreement to publish our own Choose Your Own Adventure story on the sport.

Sadly, the contract fell through due to claims that our requests for a private jet and pimped out Hummer in our contract were “fucking ludicrous.” Not to worry though, we have faithfully reproduced said CYOA book for you in a handy, and free, online form.

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MMA Monday: A Guided, Illustrated, Mildly Stupid Tour of UFC 1

Welcome to a regular feature of MMA Monday, a guided tour of the Ghosts of UFC Past. Come along as I take you through every minute of  every event from UFC 1 until UFC Whenever the Hell I Die, sharing the highs and lows of the action and the commentary. The latter will be mostly lows. Given I don’t hold any rights to UFC images, I’ve taken it upon myself to contract my six-year-old neighbor to faithfully recreate the most important scenes so you can more fully appreciate the drama that is unfolding before your eyes. Consider it a teaching aid, for the really slow aspiring MMA fan.

A Guided, Illustrated, Mildly Stupid Tour of UFC 1

We are live (well, were live) and in spectacularly 90’s television style. In addition to a Technicolor opening, we are treated to our noble warriors shadow-boxing, complete with motion-blurred hands. Also, a really fat guy in purple stretching, which we probably could have done without seeing.

Manning the broadcast boost for us today, we have Kathy Long, a five-time world kickboxing champion, Bill Wallace, a karate world champion, and Jim Brown, who was really good at carrying a football. Wallace manages to screw up the very first words to leave his mouth, and then calls it the Ultimate Fighting Challenge twice, a blow made more crushing when you realize the announcing team is outfitted to communicate with space, making it an error of galactic proportions.

Houston, we have a cage fight.

Wallace takes this pre-fight time to question his co-hosts on if they would consider fighting themselves, reminding Brown that he always has the ability to “just climb over the ropes” if things got too rough, showing both a profound lack of understanding for how this whole cage-fighting thing works, as well as a staggering inability to look six feet in front of him. Seeing as this is the first time most of the viewers will be introduced to ground-fighting, otherwise known as “that queer shit where nobody’s punching nobody,” we are quickly informed that the man that controls the ground fighting will win, by showing “jiu jitsu at its best.” Rest assured this event was in no-way carefully crafted to show the superiority of Gracie Jiu Jitsu.

Now that we’re all good-and-learned on how this ground fighting business works, it’s time for the meat of things, the bracket, which has clearly been designed by the same guy that made school photo background’s in the 90’s. On the bottom of the bracket, we can look forward to a match featuring Royce Gracie, whose name is pronounced “Hoyce.” At least, by everybody but Wallace it is. In his defense, Gracie is only the guy this entire event is focused around showcasing, so knowing his name shouldn’t be a must as a broadcaster. Up against Gracie will be Art Jimmerson, the IBF’s #10 ranked boxer. With those credentials, big things are sure to come from Jimmerson, and there is certainly no chance at all he will do something that goes down in MMA infamy. You can take that to the bank. Continue reading

MMA Monday: The 6 Worst People You’ll Find Watching the UFC at a Bar

DiggThisTimes are tough right now. Money is tight, the economy is in the shitter, and yet the price of Ugg boots cruelly continues to rise, forcing today’s man to be more frugal with their discretionary spending. When it comes to the weekend’s fights, this often means ordering them with a group of friends to split the cost among many. Not everybody has friends however, or at least not friends that aren’t tightwads, which often leaves visiting the local bar that’s getting the UFC come fight night as the only option. While it is cheaper than paying $45-$55 bucks (at least, for those who can control themselves at a bar, that is) it is not an avenue without peril, as any visit to watch MMA among the masses opens the door for any of these enjoyable characters, who can quickly make you wish you could actually hear Goldberg’s play-by-play.

The Conscientious Objector
Who They Are:
People who are above the kind of low-brow, degrading entertainment that this bloodbath of a “sport” provides.

In all of five minutes of debate, O'Reilly managed to make Dana White look like a calm, level-headed man.

And don't get them started on teleprompters.

What They’re Saying: “I just prefer sports where the object isn’t to kill your opponent, personally.”
Why They’re the Worst: The Conscientious Objector isn’t out at the bar to do something as disgusting as drinking their liver to oblivion while watching two guys try to choke each other unconscious. Instead, he’s really just looking to focus on the first half, and yell at you for showing the initiative to be comprehensive in your vices. The Conscientious Objector is often a boxing fan, who is keen on telling your how much the sport of MMA pales in comparison to the sweet science, which is in turn a beautiful thing to behold, as opposed to, you know, two guys just bashing each other in the face like this ultimate cage fighting business. Continue reading